Body Image

There are so many articles that you can read about raising a daughter and worrying about body image.  What legacy will you pass down to her?  Everyone is posting them and as the mom of a beautiful girl I read them all.

Losing weight after Olivia was hard.  Losing weight after Axel is impossible.  I'm serious.  Some people can lose weight while they nurse, but I am not one of them.  (I did not nurse Olivia)  My body clings to each and every calorie so that it can continue to make milk for Axel.  When I lost a couple pounds, my milk supply dipped.

Honestly, I don't mind being chubby that much.  But I feel like I'm supposed to mind.   When I tell people I can't lose weight while nursing they all have a solution for me.  "Try Weight Watchers" "Count calories"  The rebel in me wants to stay fat forever just to prove a point.  Well, that's not healthy.  But what if I'm happy like this for now?

I'm not saying I'm giving up and accepting my new weight.  I don't want to live an unhealthy lifestyle.  I still plan to eat healthy and exercise as regularly as possible.  I have some progress to make in both areas, for sure.  But can't I be happy with out being perfect?

I want to reject society's idea that my body must be perfect for it to be beautiful, but at the same time embrace that if I truly love my body I will feed it the best foods and exercise it regularly.

I want Olivia to remember me happy, regardless of my weight.  I want her to enjoy a wide variety of foods and live an active lifestyle.  I don't want her to use the word "diet" on a regular basis or remember a mom who is always planning to "start my diet on Monday".

Loving myself is the best way to teach her to love herself as well.

*     *     *

On a less serious note, I'm super excited to do a link up with my friend Tiffanie next week!  Next Wednesday we're co hosting a link up for lunch ideas, called "Easy as PB&J".  It's hard for me to find lunch ideas for me or my kids that are quick and yummy.  I want something simple and easy, just like peanut butter and jelly but that also tastes good (I'm not a fan of the PB&J, but Olivia likes them alright)  You don't have to be a stay at home to do this.  If you take homemade lunches to work we would also love for you to share your ideas!  We'll be posting next Wednesday and we'd love for you to join us! 

To Adam, With Love

I am not an easy person to be married to.  I recognize this, and I hate this about myself.  Do you know what my worst enemy is?  It's a word.  One word.

Fair.

Adam gets to get a haircut with out arranging for a baby sitter first?  Not.Fair.
Adam gets to sleep through the night every night? Not.Fair.

You know what I never focus on?  The way marriage isn't fair in my favor.

Adam doesn't get to snuggle babies all day?  Not fair.
Adam doesn't get to watch old Arrested Development episodes while eating lunch.  Not fair.

But you know what?  He never brings that up.  And when I freak out at him for telling me he's tired (YOU don't wake up with the baby, YOU'RE not allowed to be tired!) he let's it roll.  He never has to one up me.  He always apologizes.  He never throws it back in my face, even though he totally could.

So thanks Adam, for being my rock.  I know that's an over used sentiment in the marriage world (at least in my mind) but I don't say it lightly.  I don't joke that I'm crazy, I honestly feel that I am if only just a little medium amount.  Thanks for letting me throw temper tantrums about things you did not cause or problems you could not have prevented.

The low times can be pretty low.  I hope I make the good times worth it. 

If you really knew me

So these posts were all the rage in blogging world a few several months ago.  I was like, "No way am I doing one of those mushy gushy emo posts."  Because that's what a lot of them seemed to me.  "If you really knew me, you'd know I'm easily broken hearted. . . " etc.  But then I realized if you really knew ME, you'd know I hate being all mushy.  So I started a list and forgot about it.  But when Jennie posted hers, I pulled mine out and still didn't post it.   I obviously got around to it!  Here is my list.

If you really knew me, you'd know:

I sing everything. (Have you seen Rob and Big?  He sings "I love net guns and whoever invented them." Those are the kind of songs I sing.  And real ones too)

I go to bed early, like 9pm.  You'd know that if I don't I get cranky and mean.  And sometimes I cry.

I drive a stick shift.

I have an annoying voice.  And I talk loud.

I don't know how to spell very well.  Thank goodness for spell check.

I leave my phone at home about 60% of the time (I'm actually getting better about this)

I'm super independent and I'll do almost anything alone if I want (go to the movies, out to eat, drive to CA. . . )

I love to cook.  It's my love language.

I shower and get dressed every day.  It makes me feel sick if I don't.  I might not do my hair or put on makeup, but I can't stay in my pjs all day. 

I love Michael Jackson.  And Michael Scott.  And Michael Bluth.  I think I just came up with three reasons to name my next son Michael.  Heck, I even like Michael Jordan a little (thank you Space Jam!)

I don't love country music.  I like it a little, and I'll listen if Adam has it on (can't figure out how to turn off my ears, so. . . ) but I will never turn it on by choice.

I love oldies music and rap/hip hop.  And I can rap a little.  My brother is actually a rapper (no joke) so I'd like to think I've learned a little from him.


And well, that concludes the list of things you would really know about me.  So consider yourself my personal friend.  :)

I'm not good at being serious

I was reading Erin's blog, as I often do, and she asked herself a bunch of deep questions.  I thought it would be fun to answer them as well!  Here we go:

1. If you could do one thing differently in your life, what would it be?
Um, this is hard because I'm one of those people that freaks out wondering how one different decision would change my whole life. If I could do it over again I would probably go to a school with an interior design major, but how would that change my life? I don't know, but I'm betting I wouldn't be married to Adam since I met him while I was teaching high school and I wouldn't have Axel and Olivia! Scary!

Basically I just want to be an interior designer.

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

In five years I'll be almost 35, so I guess I hope I have all my kids by then.  Let's think this out. . . I want my next child to be born in the spring of 2016 (no more January babies, that was rough!) And then another one in the spring of 2018.  And that might be all.  Or I'll have one more.  Who knows.

I do want to be in a house!  I hope I'm doing something creative.  I'm about to open my etsy shop, I'm excited to see how I like it, but its too soon to make a long term goal yet.  As long as I'm sewing and creating, I'll be happy.

3. Do you honestly want kids?
Yes!  I love my babies.  I mean, sure I see other people with all their free time (you think you don't have free time?  Take care of my kids for a week and you'll realize how much you do have!) but soon my babies will be more capable and I wont have to mop the floor after every meal Olivia eats or nurse Axel 8 times a day.


4. What has been the best moment of your life so far?
I'm with Erin, I feel like I'm supposed to say my wedding.  That might have been the most important and the most significant, but there are things I would do differently if I could (ooh, question #1! And I don't think changing my wedding day schedule would have a big impact on my life today. . . ) It was a busy stressful exhausting awesome day.  But I like the small things, the moments when Olivia hugs me tight or when Axel falls asleep on my shoulder.  So maybe there isn't just one, but a bunch of little ones I never want to forget.


5. What is your life theme song?
I know my funeral song!  Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum.  But honestly, I've been trying to answer this question for a long time, aaaaand.  I can't.  I can't pick one song.  Maybe I can make a mix tape, but ONE?  No, not possible.  I think the problem is (after reading several other people's answers to this question) is I don't really like serious songs.  So its hard to say that my theme song is California Girls by the Beach Boys (hey, that is not a bad idea!) when it seems so superficial.  But I like an upbeat song, because I like to dance around the kitchen while I clean, dang it!


6. What is one thing you have yet to accomplish that you want to do before you die?
Travel more.  Other than that, I'm super content with my accomplishments.  I know I could do a lot with my education career if I want, and knowing that is enough.  I don't actually need to do it.


7. If you could choose one thing to be known for, what would it be?
As a kid I think I answered this question: Being pretty.  I'm not going to lie, that thought did just cross my mind.  I haven't changed much.  No, but seriously, I would want to be known for my cooking.

8. If you could do anything you wanted right in this very moment (no consequences, no fear, etc), what would it be?
No consequences?  Sleep through the night without Axel getting hungry!  Soon enough, soon enough.


9. What has been the most challenging moment in your life?
Its a three way tie between:
1) Taking care of Olivia when I was super sick from being pregnant with Axel
2) Taking care of Olivia and Axel when he had "colic" (Still not sure if that's what he had, or if it was just gas!)
3) Freaking potty training.  


10. Summarize yourself in one word.
Blonde.

(Its the only word general enough, everything else I thought of was too specific or too boring)


So there you go.  Learn anything you didn't know?  Because I sure did!

Life

So after the horrible events on Monday it could be easy to wallow in sadness.  It could be easy to question humanity.  It could be easy to feel despair. 

But it feels like that's what "they" want. 

So live life to the fullest.  Enjoy every moment (or as many as possible because its hard to enjoy changing poopy diapers and cleaning up throw up).  You're still alive, so make it count. 

A motivational poster my mom made.

My thoughts on marriage: Straight, Gay and Plural

I usually just ignore this topic.  I'm not eloquent in expressing my political views or religious views, especially when others disagree and I find myself on the defensive.  But it keeps coming up on facebook and on the blogs I read and the best way for me to really nail down my own opinion is to write it out.  And hey!  I can publish this any time I want, so I have plenty of time to construct a well thought out opinion. 

Gay marriage is hard for me.  I see both sides of the issue.  In the end, I have to follow the man I believe to be a modern day prophet.  Yes, it is my responsibility to pray and get an answer for myself and maybe I haven't tried hard enough because this isn't an issue that affects me very deeply.  So, there you have it.

But I do have a solution.  I told it to someone (my husband?  I should remember, I know, but mom brain) and they pretty much told me it was dumb.  Don't feel bad for me, it is dumb.  Dumb as in, it will never happen, it will never work.  But I think my solution expresses my feelings towards marriage.  Not just gay marriage, but straight and plural and any other kind of marriage at all!

Baptism.  Were you baptized?  I was.  When I was 8 I was baptized by my father into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I tried to be Catholic, and showed them my baptismal record, but they told me Mormon baptisms don't fly in the Catholic church.*  Rude, right?  Wrong.  Baptism is a religious covenant and every religion has the right to dictate what constitutes baptism according to them. 

To me, and many others, marriage is a religious experience, a religious covenant.  And just like baptism I think each religion has the right to dictate what constitutes marriage in their church.  The government should stay out if it.  But they didn't.  They started using marriage as a tool to help with taxes, estates and familial rights.  Its worked out fine until recently. 

But now we're all up in a tizzy upset about what government is telling us about marriage.  I think the main problem stems from so many of us viewing this as a religious ceremony and we're used to a separation of church and state.  So let's do that!  Let's separate church and state.  Instead of civil marriages (non religious based marriages) let's all have civil unions.  I want to be married for time and all eternity in the LDS Temple, but I also want my union recognized by the state, so instead of picking up my marriage license at the super creepy court house, we file for civil union instead.  And if we were non-religious people we're stop there and live a happy life with all the rights and privileges that we desire.  But we're not, we're Mormon, so we continue on and get married according to our church's standards and we still live a happy life with all the rights and privledges we desire.  Later if we convert to another religion we may want to be married according to our new beliefs, just as we may want to be baptized again according to our new beliefs. 

Polygamists have been doing this for years.  Men are only legally married to their first wife and only their religion recognizes any other marriages that occur after that. (But there are fewer polygamists and they are less vocal about their life lifestyle so we aren't arguing for them.)  So there.  Gay people can get a civil union just like me, and then if a church down the street wants to marry them that is up to them and government (and every other religion and person) can't say squat about it. 

Its never going to happen, its never going to work.  It would take a major overhaul of the government, but that's my opinion.  I just think government should stay out of all marriages and then we wouldn't even be having this debate.

And of course we should be kind.  I am not arguing that with you (name the movie?).  One of my gay friend's in high school wrote in my year book "In a world where people can be cruel, its refreshing to find someone as genuinely kind as you." (I have no idea where that year book is, and so I'm kind of giving you the gist of it) And let me tell you, I was not so open minded about homosexuality back then as I am now, but I still managed to express myself in a respectful way. 

*This is a dramatization.  I never tried to be Catholic :)

High School Me

My 18th birthday

My high school choir teacher is retiring this year, and a bunch of my old high school friends are getting together to surprise him at his last concert.  I wish I could go.  I'm keeping my eyes and mind open to ways to make it work, but right now I don't see how that might be possible. 

I started high school as a freshman at Lancaster High School almost sixteen years ago.  Let that sink in for a minute.  I was fourteen. 

We wore uniforms.  We were the first public  school in our district to have uniforms (I guess I don't need to say public, all the schools in our district are public).  And the last.  While my sister was a student there they relaxed the "dress code" (Which we all know was a uniform)

If I could tell my high school self a few things:

• Take that scarf thing off your head now.  (I honestly do not know why I had that on my head, but its the only picture I could find on facebook of me in my school uniform)
• Don't worry about who is popular and who isn't.  You're going to become friends with so many "popular" kids during the last two weeks of school and you're going to wish you had gotten to know them sooner.  
• You're going to be in choir all four years.  Don't keep quitting during registration and then going back to Mr. Landrus and begging for your spot back after the concert reminds you how much you love to perform.  This is why I never got to be section leader!! (At least that's what I tell myself.)
• Grow out your bangs.  Maybe during the summer.  Don't listen to everyone who says you look better with them.  I've got 12 years of pictures that prove otherwise.  
• Don't let people make feel lame.  You're not.  You'll have a lot of friends in college and after.
• Enjoy being this tan.  And skinny.  
• And enjoy California.  Every now and then I still get struck with homesickness, and I've been gone for twelve years!

What would you tell your high school self?

Bedside Manner

We had a little scare with Olivia last week.  She was struggling to breathe and that was causing her to panic and become hysterical, which obviously didn't helping the whole breathing thing, and so I decided to drop by her pediatrician's office on our way home from work.  I'm glad I did because her oxygen was low and her heart rate was high (a sign that it was working really hard to get oxygen to her little body!).  Next thing I know she was hooked up to an oxygen tank and we were on our way to Primary Children's Hospital in an ambulance.  By the time we were loading up my baby, my tears had been shed and I was pretty calm. 

Here is the one awkward picture I got of her in the ambulance.  She was being so cute and flirting with the EMT, but I had to sit kind of behind her and so I reached up to take this pic.  She looks so distressed!!  She was having a great time at this point.  She even loved putting her oxygen mask on and off.

I was so glad I took Olivia in when I did.  So glad I didn't have to have a rough night of worrying about her (we got discharged from the hospital after two hours and some medicine.  She was awesome the rest of the night and following days).  I was so relived that it was her doctor working in the sick child clinic that day.  Honestly most doctors would have done the same things he did, but knowing that he knew us helped me not freak out so bad.

This got me thinking: What is most important in a doctor?  When you look for a recommendation for a new doctor, what qualities are you looking for?  What I like most about Olivia's pediatrician (not even a real doctor actually, just a NP) is that he's very calm.  He speaks very softly.  When you're raising your first child a lot can seem overwhelming or cause for alarm.  Just having someone with a soft voice explain things helps me a TON. 

What I like most about the doctor that delivered Olivia is that he's relaxed and good at remembering things about me.  He remembers what scared me about Olivia's delivery (an almost C-section) and wants to make sure I feel comfortable with my second one.  Also he's a BYU fan. 

What I like most about my chiropractor is that he is super awesome at getting knots out of my back in the most painful ways possible.  That good pain that you know will feel better tomorrow?  I love that.  Plus he loves my impression of Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.

Most of what I love about the doctors in my life doesn't have anything to do with medicine, but more bedside manner.  I'm sure that if my medical issues were more severe I would have more selective criteria, but I really don't.

I never realized how important bedside manner really is.  Sucks to be a doctor if you're not a people person I guess.

What do you think?  Is it more important to actually help the patient with their problems or make the patient feel at ease about their problems?

Who should be allowed to vote?

So my mind was wandering while we were wandering (lost?  I'm always lost in those things) in the corn maze last week and I was thinking about voting.  Its not a weird as it sounds.  The maze was a political theme and there were some idiots throwing corn at each other (no they weren't teenagers, they had their kids with them) so I started thinking about how these people have just as much right to vote as I do.

Should everyone be allowed to vote?  Is that really going to end up being what's best for our country?  I don't know very much about economics, in fact I hardly know anything!  I don't understand foreign policy.  I'm not even sure I should be voting! (But I will be!)  Shouldn't these decisions be in the hands of people who have studied it for years?  Don't we know by now what works and what doesn't?

I mean obviously the answer is "no" or else why haven't we done it yet?

And so we allow everyone, as long as they are 18, to have their say in who leads us.   That's scary. 

You know what else is scary?  Not having a say. That's called a dictator or something.  I guess we all just decide what we think our government "owes" us.  More tax cuts?  More health care?  More military?  Less war?  And we vote for the person we think will give us more/less of that.

But shouldn't it be about what is really best for everyone?  I once asked my dad how he balanced being a public school teacher (known for being liberal) with being a republican.  He said when he votes he does what he thinks is best for the nation, not just for himself.  

Food for thought, is all.

Secrets of a School Teacher

I'm not a mom of teenagers.  Heck, my baby is barely one!  But over the last five years I have taught over 1500 teens (probably a low estimate!!) and they tell me things, things that would shock most of you (and that's probably what they were going for: shock).  And when you get to see that large of a sample, you see patterns.  So here is some advice for parents of teens.  At the very least, I want to remember it for when my kids are teens!  So if you don't want to listen, no hard feelings.  This can just be for me.

Help your girls have a good self esteem

Sometimes I freak out thinking about my students and worrying that my daughter will grow up to be just like them.  Their shirts are too low, their skirts are too short, their earrings and hair and nails too crazy.  But when I get to know the girls that cause these panic attacks, its easy to see the patterns.  They don't feel good about themselves, they need attention from boys to boost their feelings.  Some simple things you can do:

Tell them you love them.  Once a girl got a text in class.  Her eyes brimmed with tears and she looked at me and said, "My mom just said 'I love you," for the first time in two months."  No matter how much you fight with your kids or how rebellious they seem they just want your love.  I promise.  I have never heard a student tell me otherwise.

Show them they're important by being there for them.  One student had been in my classes for over two years.  I get these types, they click with me and take everything I offer.  I love it!  She stayed one day after school to make up a test.  She always complained about her mom not buying her enough things or not getting her the phone she wanted (even though she had a LOT of clothes and an iPhone even I couldn't afford).  But that day while she was in my class her mom called.  From what I heard I could tell her mom was calling to say she would not be coming home from her trip as soon as she planned.  My girl said, "You are my mom.  Do you know what moms do?  They help you and they're there for you.  You have a daughter!  You need to come home!"  It was so emotional I knew I never wanted my daughter to feel that way.

Show them they're important by setting limits and rules.  My first year of teaching I would visit with  my students during class, rotating through each desk off 6 students.  (I only taught in that room for one year, but I always missed the set up that allowed me to chat with all of my students easily) On one desk a girl was talking about tattoos and piercings.  "My parents would never let me do that," one girl said dejectedly.  The 15-year-old, who was the ringleader of this conversation, said "My dad will let me do anything.  He loves me."  This poor girl was searching for attention she didn't get at home.  She had to tell herself he loved her, because the only thing he did to show it was ignore her. 

All of my students are worthy of love.  The ones that dress in black and look extreme were maybe the most in need of it.  I can't think of a student that I got to know where I didn't find a soft loving heart deep (but not as deep as you think) inside. 

Wind People

On Olivia's birthday my friend Elizabeth wrote this post.  (No, it being Olivia's birthday has nothing to do with any of this, but how could I not say it?) And I love what she wrote about wind people.  I realized lately that my parents are great wind people.  It was something I could only recognize once I was associated with someone who was not.  But I want this to be a happy post, so no talk about that!

In middle school, I woke up by myself and got dressed and made it to the bus stop on time.

I chose to study extra Spanish instead of higher level math in high school.

I majored in Home Ec because its something I have loved since I was a child.  I also got my teaching degree.

One summer home from college, after a disastrous few months as a nanny, my mom helped me pack up all of my things, and buy a plane ticket back to Utah so I could spend the remainder of my break there, with my friends.

Early in my career, I researched and test drove and bought my own car.

These are a very few examples of how my parents have truly let me be my own person.  As long as I wasn't committing any crimes, or doing anything immoral, they have always been the wind in my sails.  They listen (and I think that's the key word here) and give advice when asked.  They guide me, they never force me.  And they are always very positive of my choices, even if it wouldn't be their first choice.

I never realized that was uncommon.  But now that I do, I really hope I can be that for Olivia and for all my kids.  As a parent I see how very difficult it can be to give independence to your child.  I see that it can be hard not to try and live through them.  Hard not to try and make them good at things you failed at.  Hard not to try and make them good at things you're good at.  Hard to just let them be them. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm lucky!

Fake

Sometimes I feel like a fake.  Like someone is going to suddenly realize and tell everyone and I'll just be standing there, exposed.  I worry someone is going to figure out that I'm a fake singer, a fake interior designer, a fake blogger, a fake adult.

All my life I have preferred the name Kimberly to Kim.  When I was in Kindergarten I remember not knowing how to spell Kimberly so I would write Kimmie on my papers.  Do not ever call me that.  The point is, when people ask me which I prefer I say, "either."  Why don't I tell the truth???  Please don't call me Kim.  I think they are going to tell me Kimberly is too many syllables and that Kimberly isn't my real name (its totally my real name) and that I'm not pretty enough to be a Kimberly.  Weird, right?

I also remember watching commercials for career colleges as a kid and when they would list the various degrees offered, I would always dream of what it would be like to be an interior designer.  Then at BYU I chose my major so that I could take the most interior design classes (they stopped offering it as a major shortly after I started school there).  Since graduating I've taught interior design for five years.  My students have won two district wide competitions and taken first and second in the state for other competitions, but I still don't feel like an interior designer.

SO: I'm going to tell everyone that I'm a singer (because I totally sang the National Anthem at an assembly in September) and I'm going to tell everyone that I'm an interior designer, and I'm going to tell everyone that my name is Kimberly.  And I'm going to believe myself, when I say I'm all of these things.  

Because I really am.

I only have eyes for you

The life of a baby is busy.  There is so much new stimuli everywhere.  Who has time for moms anymore?  But even with all she has to do, Olivia can't always hide the fact that she's crazy about me.  And I love those times.  When it's just the two of us.  When everything is simple.

When we scrunch our noses and close our eyes and pretend to cry and then laugh because we know its just a joke.

When I blow air into her face and she opens her mouth and shuts her eyes.

When wraps her legs around my waist and she rests her head on my shoulder and enjoys it for just a few seconds before she remembers that is so uncool and pulls away.

When we blow raspberries.

When we touch our noses and just smile.

When we move our tongues back and forth and say "ahhhh" at the same time because she loves that sound.

When she tries to eat my earring but it sounds like she's telling me a secret.

When she sits still on my lap and babbles, telling me all about her day.

Yeah, I love those times.