Wanna watch the Bachelorette with me? Week 1 (and a day late!)

I know this is late.  I just couldn't stay up until 10 to watch it.  But I hate watching it alone, all of my witty sarcasm and biting remarks going to waste.  So I pretended I was watching it with you!  And wrote down all obvious and mean things I would say about the show I love to hate.  Its like live tweeting only not live and I don't have a character limit.  Okay, here we go. . . 

Okay, ten seconds in I'm already freaking!  Hasn't anyone told Emily that releasing balloons into the air is dangerous!  They are going to pop in a forest and get eaten by a duck.  Its like she missed Earth Day in 2nd grade.

And how did I miss that she's 26!?!?!  I feel . . . old.

Emily: I can't go through this and fall in love and have it not work again.
Me: Girl!  Have you even seen this show before?!?!  Honey you have a better chance at finding love on the Biggest Loser.  Better bust out that ice cream.

How often do you think the tragic accident is going to be mentioned?  So far: 2 and I'm only 7 minutes in. . .

And Kalon has already claimed the "First day of the rest of my life" phrase.

David: I've written a lot of songs specifically about trying to find true love.
Me: Wow, that is so awesome.  No singer/songwriter has ever done that before.
David: Emily, Emily, Emily oh oh Emily. . .
Me: Great lyrics.  How do you come up with this stuff??

Oh great.  Jef.  Choosy Bachlorettes chose Jef.  All you have to do is say "Salt Lake City" and you know crazy is about to happen. 

AND JEF IS THE WINNER OF MY "FAIRY TALE" CONTEST.  I wondered if we would hear it much with 25 dudes instead of 25 girlies, but I knew someone would bust it out. 

*mention of Emily's ex-finance and the tragic accident

Emily: This could be the night that I meet my husband.
Me: Its like I already wrote this script for this show.

*mention of Emily's tragic story

And now the moment you've been waiting for you have to suffer through, Emily meeting the bachelors!!  They're all going to try and stand out with a stupid one liner.  Let's see what we got here: 

Jackson: Life is not about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.
Me: Oooookay, so how many times did you watch Hitch for tips on dating before coming on the show?

Aaron: I'm a high school biology teacher, but I'm here to have chemistry with you!
Emily: What do I say to that? "Awesome"

Did you see Emily do the don't-ever-touch-me-again shudder-shrug after Alessandro hugged her?  She did not look smitten.  Poor guy.

I'm starting to wonder if Jef is a BYU student just trying to complete an assignment for an acting class.  #doesntseemserious (hash tagging in blog posts is like the cool new thing to do)

Stevie comes dancing in.  He tells her he's a dancer/DJ/entertainer.  Sounds like a guy whose ready to settle down and be a dad.

Now we see Tony waltzing in with a glass slipper.  I am going to retract Jef as the winner of my fairy tale contest.  Wow.  Just seriously, wow.  And since you can't hear my voice, let me just tell you, not in a good way.

Oh my gosh, he's trying the shoe on her!  I hope it doesn't fit, I hope it doesn't fit. . . Dang it.

Some random bachelor: Feelings may get hurt down the road.
Me: What?  No!  No one ever gets hurt on this show.  You must be confused with Sesame Street.

The egg thing.  I can't decide if that's cute or creepy.  Time will tell.

Alejandro, I feel like there is going to be a language barrier here if you can't stick to English.

And now a cocktail party:

Emily: I don't know what I did to deserve all these wonderful guys!
Me: Oh honey, its nothing you did.

*Emily's fiance died in a plane crash.  This just in.

 Emily: I'm not the most athletic girl in the world.
Jef: That's way surprising.  It looks like you're really athletic.
Translation: You have a hot body.

Aparently single parenthood is the only thing you have to have in common to make a relationship work.  According to Doug.

Kalon: Of course I want the first impression rose.  My mom taught me first impression is everything, and fortunately I showed up in a helicopter.
Me: Well my first impression of you is that you borrowed your daddy's helicopter and that Luxury Brand Consultant probably isn't a real thing.
Oh wait, raised by a single mom.  My bad.  Still, not sure I'm a Kalon fan just yet.

Is there a rule that the bachelorette has to go with the person who asks if they can interrupt?  Because I would put the kabosh on that real quick if there wasn't.  Rude.

Unless I missed it, I think Arie was the first to use the "connection" word!!  Ding ding ding!

*And Arie slips in the fact that Emily's finance died.

Props to Emily for explaining her feelings about racing with out mentioning any tragedies.

Chris says he deserves the first impression rose???   What does that even mean? 

Insert Rose Ceremony Here

In the future I might care about the RCs a little more, but I don't have strong feelings yet so its just one more hoop to jump through.

Whoa!  Where did this Brent guy come from!?!? SIX KIDS. Musta missed it somehow.  But seriously dude, don't take it so personally.  This is not the only way to find love!  You are still a valid person!  I feel like everyone needs to be told this after not getting a rose.  Good grief.